Recovery date

September 15, 1993.

I have no memories of how that day was, but I have a lot of memories about how the evening was.

The night before, I had been at the end of my rope, standing at the ledge of a cliff, staring into the abyss that was my soul. Everything I knew, everything I had done, in my then 27 years short life, had led me to this moment. A moment that to me clearly was all about do – or die. I didn´t know much at that moment. In fact I´m pretty sure now, that I only knew 3 things; To call a particular friend, ask for help, and if I didn´t – I would die. Not that night, but in a very near future. And I didn´t want to die. Other than that, I had no more clues.

The pain in my soul was so intense I could barely breathe. My mother had died 18 months earlier and I had increased my dose of my self medication because the grief was just overwhelming and I had been self medicating for many reasons for the past almost 15 years already. My medicin, against various tough- to- handle emotions such as pain, grief, shame, guilt, not belonging, feeling lost, unwanted and many many more, was alcohol.

From the first time I drank, I really enjoyed that numbness that it gave me and I also never – not once – drank the way that who ever I was with, drank. I drank until there was no more and then I either threw up, passed out or both.

So yeah, in my case – and this isn´t how it is for everyone – it´s pretty safe to say that I was born this way. An alcoholic. But man did I fight that fact. For years. Despite a whole hell of a lot of negative consequences, ALL related to my drinking. See this is one of the symptoms of this dis-ease; Denial.

This is the only dis-ease I know of, that tells the person who has it, that they don´t have it. That is the denial.

Many many years later, I worked in various rehabs, and out of the 4 initial weeks that the patient gets treatment, this is the toughest nut to crack – the denial. This is also, in my opinion, the main reason that people in recovery relapse. A very logical consequence of them stop doing what they have learned and HAVE to keep doing to treat this chronical, deadly and yet treatable disease; alcholism. When we stop doing what we need to do to continue to live sober, actions that we have learned either in rehab, in AA or both, we will at some point start drinking again – because of the Denial.  And this disease kills us if we don´t treat it. This is no longer rocket science. We have known this for decades. Mostly from empirical studies.

So, I was 27 years young when I got to my first AA meeting, and I still remember that meeting and what it did to me, very clearly. One of the things I remember is that in this room I went to (with my friend who I had called the night before – and asked for help, something totally out of character for me back then) was about 20 people. I´d say that approximately 15 were men. To this day, this is still the more common gender mix in our AA rooms. Unfortunately.

To this day, women are still more ”successful” in hiding their drinking and women are also being shamed a whole lot more by society when it comes to being drunk and/or alcoholics.

What I didn´t know when I entered that very first meeting, was that I had reached MY rock bottom. I was broken. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually.   I was on my spiritual knees.

As smart as I had thought I was, I couldn´t deal with myself, with Life or anything that it entailed. I. Needed, Help.

So in that room, with mostly men, there was a lot of Love, Laughter, Warmth, Respect, Care and I heard and saw them speak about really tough and difficult stuff, and I heard and saw them being able to explain how they FELT. They had WORDS for their emotions. I had no idea! Many of the emotion words I didn´t understand – and I had always been a linguist, so words came easy, very easy to me. Since I first learned how to speak…

But not these words.

And I felt – and this I remember so clearly – a deep yearning from the core of me; I want to be able to express myself like that! I want to be able to use these emotions words when I talk to people so that they can understand what is going on inside and not just judge me for how I seem to ”be”, how I looked on the outside. A common idea that people had a bout me was that I was a ”rock”. Endless strength they thought I had. And I was and had anything but that. But I had spent many years building that image, so part of that perception was on me. A very big part…

So I wanted, I REALLY wanted what they had, these people in that room that night.

I had no – zero – idea how to get it, but I was determined that I was gonna find out. And in order to do that, I needed to spend time with these people. I needed to go to these meetings.

I didn´t go to rehab. AA has recovered me, and still does to this day. Every day.

On that, my very first meeting, I was invited to another adjacent room for the first part of the meeting, with my friend and an ”older” man (I´d say he was then in his latefifties maybe) and he told me his story. As we do in our 12 step rooms. So there I was, a young woman in her late twenties, this elderly man in his late fifites, and it was as if he was telling MY story. I was blown away. And I felt, for the very first time, this thing that is so important when we recover; identification. I could identify with him. Not in every single thing, but in most of what he was talking about. For the first time, and still the only time, I felt that I belonged…

In the rooms of AA, I still to this day feel that I belong. This is the only place on earth, with other people that I feel that. Deep in my core, I belong. This is my family, on a spiritual level.

I have since then, attended meetings in various countries, and everytime, as I just enter one of our rooms, I immidiately feel at home. It is such a profound state of being, to my core.

It may be the very first time I enter a particular room, with people I have never met, and yet – I feel at home. In my core. It is magic.

So for the past 27 years now, today marks 27 years since I entered that room for the first time, I have listened, I have read, I have talked, I have expressed myself, my emotions, my trials and tribulations, my learnings, my growth, my never ending love, gratitude, respect and happiness for this life I have now and to this global fellowship of AA.

The 12 step program is – in my opinion – THE best, as in most profound and successful self development program that I know of (and due to my work I have studied a few…) and the good news is that anyone has access to this program. Without having to be an alcoholic. We have loads of sister  fellowships such as Al-Anon, ACOA, CODA, NA and many many more. Same program, different issues.

We live this program – one day at a time. Just for today.

Today, for me, these one days at a time has come to 9862 days.

To those who came before me, to those who walk beside me and to those who have come and will come after me – I am eternally grateful, for without you, I would not still be.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

Courage to change the things I can,

And the Wisdom to know the difference.