For as long as I can remember – and I have some very early memories in this, I have lived and breathed music. It is by far, hands down, with no competition, the most
powerful influence and source of energy, inspiration, flow and way of healing
for me.
Nobody and nothing can compete with it. I know this, after years and years of having been in situations where most people choose to focus on the situation/person at hand
(sometimes literally), finding myself being absorbed by the music also present,
completely pulling me in, and away from what ever else is going on around me;
be it a romantic dinner, great songs, (where I can´t hear the lyrics because of
the music) and so on.
So the earliest memories I have of being completely knocked out by music is
when I at a very early age, I´m guessing 4ish, use to lie in front of one of
the loudspeakers under a table in the living room , listening and ultimately
falling asleep to the music coming from the radio. Every single day. Waking up
x time later with a blanket on me, that my mother had put on me. It´s safe to
say that this is the only context in my childhood that they knew where to find
me. The rest of the time it is equally safe to say that I was not the kind of
child to be found where they had put me in the first place…
Curiosity runs deep to the core in me. Since the beginning. Of my time.
My mother shared her love of music with me. Always singing at home. Many
times to me, many times with me. My father couldn´t hold a tone to save his
life. He gave me my love for sports which is another important area in my life.
My parents had a large social life so they had many parties at home and went
to many parties as well. I was always with them. After dinner there would be
lots of music and dancing, many international songs but also lots of music of a
very typical Swedish kind that we call “dansbandsmusik”. A big part
of Swedish musical culture.
We, my parents and paternal grandparents, used to go to the big city of
Malmö, to the theatre to see musicals/operettas such as “Kiss me
Kate”, Show boat, Csardasfurstinne and others. Now that was a whole
different musical experience! Live music, from a stage, with an orchestra.
People went dressed in long gowns with matching long sleeved gloves, lots of
jewelry, high heals and black ties. I´m talking about the audience 🙂
This gave me the love for a completely different kind of music. Music that I
didn´t hear at home. Opera. We had a dog, Bianca, a white little poodle, and
every time the radio played opera she howled like a wolf to the moon, whereby I
ran to the radio and turned it way down until the opera was over. Not a fan,
she was.
At the age of 7, my parents and grandparents bought me a piano. I have been
blessed with really good and human piano teachers (not the overly strict and
penalizing ones that seem to be common.) Teaching by fear is not a fruitful
strategy in anything, but encouraging the behavior you want – is.
So I have been playing the piano since the ripe age of 7. I started writing
my own material at 14 and have been doing that ever since. It´s been a long
while now cause I´m living without a piano for the past several years. Getting
closer to ending that very soon. Looking forward to that so very much. A very
important part of me is missing.
I sing, whilst playing the piano, though singing in public has never been my
thing. I feel very vulnerable doing that. Naked. Bare soul. With my
songwriting, I wanted to know what my songs would sound like recorded, with
more instruments and harmonies, so my grandmother paid for making this happen.
Recording 3 songs in a studio, and then picking 2 that ended up on a single, an
EP. With this, came a lot of local hype, which I was very uncomfortable with.
All I wanted was to make the recording, for me. The same way that when I´m sitting
by a piano playing and singing it´s for me. So I made a very conscious choice
back then; I was 19, that I am not going to pursue a path in music. I don´t
want the hype, the attention. My music is for me.
Many years later, in 2014, I would be persuaded to sing in public here in
Malta – karaoke :-). And I kept doing that for a couple of years. Feeling
exactly the same; very vulnerable. Naked. Bare soul. But his time I chose it
very intentionally, to walk my talk when it comes to living wholeheartedly,
which includes choosing courage over comfort. Walking with fear and feeling
vulnerable. Cause every time we do that – we grow. And my growth game is
strong! A lot of that is thanks to music. Past and present. Music builds
bridges. Connects people. With others and with self.
I have started a Spotify list, currently named “Music that shaped me” (which might change over time. Welcome to my Musical world – past and present. Sing, dance, BE! Enjoy!
In a couple of months I am about to start a new (parallel) path on my professional road, leading to adding an additional competence and another set of tools for my toolbox. In order to be admitted to this program, I was asked to submit 2 letters of recommendation. This is one of them; ” I was introduced to Lotta in 2016 by a mutual friend who became aware of my struggles in my personal life with an alcoholic wife. Lotta was recommended because of trust, professional training / experience and personal insight in alcoholism. Lotta utilized technical solutions to provide counseling sessions that bridged distance / time zones. She offered great flexibility in scheduling and conducting sessions based on my evolving needs over the past 5 years.
Lotta’s approach, both as a psychologist and life coach, is utilizing and teaching processes and tools – direct engagement, discussion, defining, reframing, writing, reference reading / videos / podcasts, personal inventories et cetera – ultimately driving deliberate actions to achieve results. For me those results are enhanced personal insight and understanding; defined values and boundaries; greater flexibility in stressful and challenging situations; and improved relationship with myself, family, friends and colleagues. Lotta’s strengths are evident – her firm and unflinching engagement in discussions, intense curiosity to learn, ability to link conversations that we have had over the years, patience with me when I struggle to verbalize thoughts and ideas, and she immediately earns respect both professionally and personally.
Lotta has fundamentally impacted my life in ways I had never expected before I first contacted her. Just as important, I have been able to pass on what I have learned from Lotta to close family members and friends, and the course of their lives have been positively impacted as well. Lotta continues to look for education and training opportunities to grow and develop, and implement in her counseling. I strongly recommend that Lotta be selected for” XXXXX (to be disclosed later).
These words were, and are a great reminder to me why I´m doing what I´m doing and that what I do has an impact on people that spreads way beyond the people I meet in my office. I feel so blessed and grateful – every day – for doing what I love to do as my profession, making a difference in this world!
Regardless of where I live, she is my country. She is no longer my home and she will never be again, other than in my heart. But I am proud to have been raised there, with the values and morals that I have. Having said that, many of ny behaviors are not found in the culture that was my first
So change is possible! We are all programmed by the people who raised us, who were our teachers in school, coaches in sports or other functions, experiences we´ve had, and the good news is that once we grow up we can actively look at the values, beliefs and behaviors we have and question them one by one; Do I want to be/think and keep this, or do I want to change it because it doesn´t go well with who I am at my core?
I am living in a constant state of curiosity – especially regarding humans, this is something that I seem to have been born with. It´s just manifesting differently the past several decades.My whole life I have questioned most that went on around me, and I still do. Most likely because the first thing that happened in my life was that I was adopted.
My purpose is to understand myself and other people more. To go deeper and wider. And what a ride this life is!
I also get to do this for a living. To assist others to do all this. And I get to see their changes, development and growth, literally in front of my own eyes. What a privilege that is!
And I learned a long time ago, that my journey is but for traveling with others on their journeys, in whatever capacity they come into my life. We don´t do this life alone. It takes a village. We. Need. Each. Other.
Today I celebrate a little extra, where it all started for me, and what I got there and then – the good the bad the ugly. Turns out it was all good, in the sense that it has taught me more, about me, and about us all.
And I am special, but like all the rest of us, I ain´t that unique
Happy Sweden Day and thank you – for all I got there
When people come to see me, they usually have something “urgent” in some form, that they believe is their “problem”.
Cause that´s usually what my clients say in our first session, in one way or another.
I call this “what gets in the way of the real issue/s”.
So in order for growth and progress to be possible, we need to deal with the “what gets/got in the way” first and work through that – so it doesn´t keep coming back!
And our issues d o come back…. And back… Until we deal with them once and for all – by working through them.
As the work process begins, I will hold the client accountable, to that initial desire for change, growth and development. In many various ways.
In fact, that starts even before they come to the first session.
I send out an email that I call; “How it works”.
The content in this email has also seen change, growth and development through the years, all as results of clients behaviors and choices.
I am a huge and very vocal fan of clarity. Being clear. Being specific. Saying what you mean AND meaning what you say. I live it. Rigorously.
So, resistance to change and growth has maaaaany masks and manifestations. It is part of my job to make my clients aware of them, as they show up. It´s a dirty job, but someone´s gotta do it! That someone….. is me.
In doing so, I have been called all sorts of things under the sun. Even more so during the years when I was working in rehabs.
The clients there were not only afraid of changes but also in withdrawal, to spice it up a little bit more. That´s ok. I can take that. It is part of the job description to be the receiver of such behaviors. Projections. It is then also part of my job to be psychoeducational with the client. To teach them about the connection between their thought/s that triggers their emotion/s that subsequently triggers a particular behavior. Name calling, walking out the room in the middle of a session, to name but a few examples. And of course these behaviors don´t happen just in rehab. They also happen in my private clinic.
In fact the last time, isn´t that long ago.
So to go from the theoretical to the empirical, through an actual recent client, I will tell you part of their story, to illustrate what I´m talking about;
I will, as it´s done in the English language use the pronouns “they/them”, to make them gender neutral.
So the “How it works” email that I mentioned before, is a deal breaker before we even start working together. All clients h a v e to reply to this email, saying that they agree with the content. Further down the line in our process I can then, if need be, refer to that email and that they in fact have agreed to what it says, to help them work against what ever mask their resistance (fear of change) takes.
The content is mostly practical stuff and logistics, and it´s also my terms regarding payment conditions and cancellation conditions. Explaining very clearly, part of it in bold, to make it even clearer.
And as I said before, this content has evolved based on the behaviors of past clients and also as per professional standards.
So this client in question, abided by these few conditions when it came to cancellation/rescheduling, and the first couple of sessions also when it came to payment.
They did however, call me very “strict”. Twice. For keeping the boundary and referring to the content in the email when it came to payments.
I´ll get to that…
Then came the first time when they didn´t abide by the payment conditions, and I pointed that out when they arrived.
Then came the second time when they didn´t abide by the payment conditions, and I pointed it out verbally once again.
The third, and final time this happened, I pointed this out in writing, the day before the session, as part of a reply to a message that the client had sent me, asking if they could come and see me that same day.
Now, I am available 6 days a week, except for that particular day, which is Mondays. So my reply started exactly with that, then I – once again – pointed out the payment condition to which the client had agreed, and then I still took some time to give some strategies for them to handle what was going on with them then and there.
The client replied that they didn´t like how I worded my message about the payment conditions and went on to say; “Just let me know what you want me to do if I don´t remember to send you the money”. In fact, they asked me this twice, in our short messages going back and forth.
I explained that I was happy to discuss this in our next session, and I got the reply that they would rather not spend their time on this since an hour goes fast.
So when the time came for the session, I knew, from the demeanor of the client, that they were extra agitated due to the communication we had had via messages. The session started, they had a lot of other things to talk about with me. So in listening to all that came out, after about 20 minutes I then made the client aware of their behavior in what they were saying, and connected it to the behavior they had in the texting to me, both having to do with boundaries. I started to talk about the importance of us talking about what goes on between us, what the client feels about me and their reactions, but they didn´t let me finish. Instead, they got up, and said that they didn´t want to talk about this, that I was only interested in their money, and then walked out the door. In anger.
I haven´t heard from them since.
So. This part was the empirical, an example of “part of a day in a therapists world”.
Through my many years in my profession, I´ve had my share of clients cutting the work short. In various ways. When the masks of resistance take over. And behind those acting out masks are always one out of two emotions, or both; sadness and fear.
And I can only work with and help with that, when the client stays. In the room and also in and with the process. These types of changes are painful many times. Growing pains are real, even for adults…
When you come to do work with me I will show you accountability, what it is, and how you live it, cause I will hold you accountable. And I am not doing this for my sake. I will show you, teach you, how to commit and how to be accountable to yourself!
Most people have never learned this.
(The client in the example, grew up in a family and in a culture that know little to nothing about boundaries. Other than the word. Not what it actually means to live it. And that was part of what I was teaching. And got interrupted.)
Two of my best tools to do this are boundaries and clarity. Neither of them are just words. I will show you how it works when words and actions are consistently aligned. That this is part of the foundation for trust. That no matter what past unstable experiences you have, you can trust me to hold the ground, to stand (or sit) firmly for and with you. No matter how many attempts you make to create chaos and instability that you throw at me, one way or another, as this is what you know. This is all you know. I will still be there. Holding the ground. Being consistent. Showing you, by living it, that when I say something, I mean it. When I say something, that is what will be. That you can trust me not to budge.
See, you don´t live your life in a vacuum. How you think, feel, behave, react towards your therapist, is a reflection of how you have lived your life. What you have learned. Your programming.
You will project a lot on me, as you do to other people as well.
And it is my job to mirror this to you, make you aware.
So when the fear and/or sadness hits, especially between sessions, most people are not even aware that it is fear/sadness they are feeling. Anger is what most people have learned to feel and show instead. Many times towards the therapist. And again, that´s ok. That´s a good place to start.
So then I have a couple of questions;
Why are you fighting more, to keep your pain than you are fighting for a future without it…?
Why are you defending why you can´t, instead of fighting for what you c a n do next?
Your life is a reflection of y o u, you are the common denominator in all your relationships, with people, places and things.
So what´s going on inside you or around you – now or in the past, may not be your fault, but how you handle it now, how you live it and live with it now – is on you.
So what are you doing next?
We can not work with, change and develop what you are not aware of. It´s not enough that I, the therapist, am aware. It is my job to help you become aware. But I can´t make you.
You need to be ready and willing. You need to understand that you, the you that you were up until you started working with me, are your biggest enemy, your main stick in your wheel for growth. That change comes through action only. Different actions than before. Not more of the same old….
And I, am your biggest fan, your cheerleader (NOT with those hideous outfits they have in the US…!!!), your guide in the sense that I can show you where and how you´ve been, then I can show you who you are by leading you back to you.
During this process you have a lot of choices to make in what you want to keep from before, what you want to throw out because it just isn´t who you are, it doesn´t belong with you, and what you want to cultivate in you. In all this, I am right there, by your side. When I see you in sessions, and when you are practicing with the tools and the knowledge and awareness you´ve got from the sessions out there in your life. I am right there, by your side.
I don´t have the answers – you do. It is my job to help you discover them. To help you make sense of your past and your present you, so you then get to create and choose your future. Your way forward. One day at a time. One step at a time.
So 19 years ago, there was this album that came out. Me being a fan of the artist, I of course got the CD. Great album! And there was this one track that completely sucked me in. Not gently pulled me – it sucked me in completely, swallowed me in one bite and it still does to this day. The artist is Italian, and I´m “a bit” biased to that language, like no other. For me it goes straight into my soul, it is so melodic even when people just speak it, and I´ve been listening to Italian music/songs since a very young age. Ages ago I bought cassettes, “Learn Italian” as well. So I know a little bit, and being a linguist who also has studied Spanish for 3 years, combined with English most of my life, it is fairly easy for me to pick it up. In the mid eighties there was an Italian police series; La Piovra, that I watched religiously and also learned a lot of Italian from. But languages are like that, if you don´t use it you loose it.
Anywho.
The little booklet that came with the CD had the lyrics to all the songs, both in Italian and in English, very well translated, so once I managed to get to the lyrics and read them, I could also understand the lyrics completely. Or rather, what the words meant. Because the lyrics are not your regular cut and dry linear story kind of song.
(I can listen to a song for a very long time and not even hear the words because the music and arrangement just takes over..)
I hear – and feel the ocean in this song. Not because it is part of the lyrics, but the way the song is built. I compose songs as well, so this is an important part of my reactions to this song. I feel the waves, coming to the shore, moving back and forth, like a constant, and they vary in size, depending on where in the song they are. Every time I hear this song, it moves me with the same intensity. The only variation is how much tears come through my eyes. It´s beyond this world. Very very few songs have this impact on me.
As you will hear, there is a love story, of sorts, in the lyrics. And I have also always, since I first hear the song, felt this love, this connection, with the same intensity. It has made no “logical” sense. I have never attached it or connected it to any of the partners I have been with.
But who ever this is about – in the realm of my life, I have yet to meet. And I am so looking forward to that! I can sense it coming closer. (Could be wishful thinking, but hey – that works for me 🙂 )
Africa has pulled me for a long long time, many years – and of course she is also mentioned in this song.
I don´t have the CD with me cause it is with all my other stuff still in storage, and since I couldn´t remember the name of the song for years, I have been away from it for almost 7 years. And then it actually came back to me last night. By divine intervention. Not my doing. So it kept me awake most of the night. Listening to it. Living in it. Feeling it. The same intensity. The same pull….
So there are many unknowns, x factors in the song and my relationship to it. In my brain it does not make any sense, I cognitively can not put the dots together…
However…
This is not the meaning of Life… That we “have to” understand everything or being able to explain things so they make sense. To ourselves or others. That is not the reason we are here. Hence I don´t do “why´s”. I never ask “why” and I do not work with that word in any way. It is a word that makes no sense to me.
I have come to learn and realize that when I search for what I think is the “meaning” of X (what I think is the “why”), I lose it. The plot. Cause it is not for me to define. It is for me to show up and be open. Be curious. And to accept what is. Including when I don´t “get” it. Especially then.
So many things in this life are not meant to be understood. They are just meant to be accepted.
So for the past 27 years, I have been asking for the wisdom. To know the difference. Both with what is for me to just accept, and also for what is for me to change.
So what is the song, you may ask?
Il mistero dell ´amore, performed by Andrea Bocelli. Composed by Raffaello Di Pietro.
Change…..One of the few constants in Life. This too shall pass. Trust the process.
I have a lot of expressions, or as I like to call them; facts and truths, that are part of my frame.
If you don´t like how something in your life is… well perhaps (it is very likely) you can do something about it. One thing I know for sure, is that you absolutely can change how you relate to “it”. What ever that “it” is. Change, apart from being a constant, isn´t just possible – it´s absolutely doable!
Today is a date that forever changed my life, a date that stays with me, every day,
11/11 1987. I had a close encounter with a vehicle. Or, in other words; I was hit by a car.
I was on foot. Life as I knew it changed forever that day.
There has been many many many lessons from that accident.
If I were to pick just one lesson out of all of them, it is Gratitude. I am deeply grateful. For so many things related to that day and since.
Gratitude is my constant companion, every day of my life. It is my universal tool that will pick me up, drag me out of any and all situations I am in, that I don´t like or want to be in. Gratitude just sits there. Waiting. Waiting for me to remember (cause there are moments when I forget, because I am after all human) to connect with it. Those moments, when I forget, have become a lot fewer, a lot shorter, through years of practicing, and building on that connection. We have a very close relationship, my Gratitude and I.
And I work on that connection, that relationship. Every. Single. Day.
Doing that – has changed my Life. How I live, how I work. How I relate to the world.
Every relationship in life, takes work. Needs work.
Here´s a testimonial from someone who did some work with me in the past:
“Working with Lotta is a life changing experience. I just wanted to let you know about the positive impact her life coaching is having on my life. She is teaching me a lot of new, and for me, different things, but mostly, in a world full of voices and distractions, to hear and listen to my own, inner voice. She is teaching me to be my own person, with my own desires, feelings, choices and believes. She keeps helping me to sculpt, design, discover and draw my new life. I am growing into a person that I have always been, but lacked the the courage and the tools to be. I would recommend anyone to seek Lotta`s guidance. I find her approach very professional, patient and personal. And I am utterly grateful.thank you” S.A
I have no memories of how that day was, but I have a lot of memories about how the evening was.
The night before, I had been at the end of my rope, standing at the ledge of a cliff, staring into the abyss that was my soul. Everything I knew, everything I had done, in my then 27 years short life, had led me to this moment. A moment that to me clearly was all about do – or die. I didn´t know much at that moment. In fact I´m pretty sure now, that I only knew 3 things; To call a particular friend, ask for help, and if I didn´t – I would die. Not that night, but in a very near future. And I didn´t want to die. Other than that, I had no more clues.
The pain in my soul was so intense I could barely breathe. My mother had died 18 months earlier and I had increased my dose of my self medication because the grief was just overwhelming and I had been self medicating for many reasons for the past almost 15 years already. My medicin, against various tough- to- handle emotions such as pain, grief, shame, guilt, not belonging, feeling lost, unwanted and many many more, was alcohol.
From the first time I drank, I really enjoyed that numbness that it gave me and I also never – not once – drank the way that who ever I was with, drank. I drank until there was no more and then I either threw up, passed out or both.
So yeah, in my case – and this isn´t how it is for everyone – it´s pretty safe to say that I was born this way. An alcoholic. But man did I fight that fact. For years. Despite a whole hell of a lot of negative consequences, ALL related to my drinking. See this is one of the symptoms of this dis-ease; Denial.
This is the only dis-ease I know of, that tells the person who has it, that they don´t have it. That is the denial.
Many many years later, I worked in various rehabs, and out of the 4 initial weeks that the patient gets treatment, this is the toughest nut to crack – the denial. This is also, in my opinion, the main reason that people in recovery relapse. A very logical consequence of them stop doing what they have learned and HAVE to keep doing to treat this chronical, deadly and yet treatable disease; alcholism. When we stop doing what we need to do to continue to live sober, actions that we have learned either in rehab, in AA or both, we will at some point start drinking again – because of the Denial. And this disease kills us if we don´t treat it. This is no longer rocket science. We have known this for decades. Mostly from empirical studies.
So, I was 27 years young when I got to my first AA meeting, and I still remember that meeting and what it did to me, very clearly. One of the things I remember is that in this room I went to (with my friend who I had called the night before – and asked for help, something totally out of character for me back then) was about 20 people. I´d say that approximately 15 were men. To this day, this is still the more common gender mix in our AA rooms. Unfortunately.
To this day, women are still more ”successful” in hiding their drinking and women are also being shamed a whole lot more by society when it comes to being drunk and/or alcoholics.
What I didn´t know when I entered that very first meeting, was that I had reached MY rock bottom. I was broken. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was on my spiritual knees.
As smart as I had thought I was, I couldn´t deal with myself, with Life or anything that it entailed. I. Needed, Help.
So in that room, with mostly men, there was a lot of Love, Laughter, Warmth, Respect, Care and I heard and saw them speak about really tough and difficult stuff, and I heard and saw them being able to explain how they FELT. They had WORDS for their emotions. I had no idea! Many of the emotion words I didn´t understand – and I had always been a linguist, so words came easy, very easy to me. Since I first learned how to speak…
But not these words.
And I felt – and this I remember so clearly – a deep yearning from the core of me; I want to be able to express myself like that! I want to be able to use these emotions words when I talk to people so that they can understand what is going on inside and not just judge me for how I seem to ”be”, how I looked on the outside. A common idea that people had a bout me was that I was a ”rock”. Endless strength they thought I had. And I was and had anything but that. But I had spent many years building that image, so part of that perception was on me. A very big part…
So I wanted, I REALLY wanted what they had, these people in that room that night.
I had no – zero – idea how to get it, but I was determined that I was gonna find out. And in order to do that, I needed to spend time with these people. I needed to go to these meetings.
I didn´t go to rehab. AA has recovered me, and still does to this day. Every day.
On that, my very first meeting, I was invited to another adjacent room for the first part of the meeting, with my friend and an ”older” man (I´d say he was then in his latefifties maybe) and he told me his story. As we do in our 12 step rooms. So there I was, a young woman in her late twenties, this elderly man in his late fifites, and it was as if he was telling MY story. I was blown away. And I felt, for the very first time, this thing that is so important when we recover; identification. I could identify with him. Not in every single thing, but in most of what he was talking about. For the first time, and still the only time, I felt that I belonged…
In the rooms of AA, I still to this day feel that I belong. This is the only place on earth, with other people that I feel that. Deep in my core, I belong. This is my family, on a spiritual level.
I have since then, attended meetings in various countries, and everytime, as I just enter one of our rooms, I immidiately feel at home. It is such a profound state of being, to my core.
It may be the very first time I enter a particular room, with people I have never met, and yet – I feel at home. In my core. It is magic.
So for the past 27 years now, today marks 27 years since I entered that room for the first time, I have listened, I have read, I have talked, I have expressed myself, my emotions, my trials and tribulations, my learnings, my growth, my never ending love, gratitude, respect and happiness for this life I have now and to this global fellowship of AA.
The 12 step program is – in my opinion – THE best, as in most profound and successful self development program that I know of (and due to my work I have studied a few…) and the good news is that anyone has access to this program. Without having to be an alcoholic. We have loads of sister fellowships such as Al-Anon, ACOA, CODA, NA and many many more. Same program, different issues.
We live this program – one day at a time. Just for today.
Today, for me, these one days at a time has come to 9862 days.
To those who came before me, to those who walk beside me and to those who have come and will come after me – I am eternally grateful, for without you, I would not still be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
So… I have made a very soft launch of my blog. I have been asked several times over the years to “get more out there” and so adding a blog to my internet presence is the next step.I am able to do this because I have a very dear friend who is a master in the digital world, so she is the reason that I am able to do this – a n d because I have learned to ask for help when I need it. This is something that has been part of my process of growth in life – to ask for help. Something that I share with a lot of people, to work through the resistance (read f e a r) of asking for help… So now the blog is out there, still under construction but starting to take shape. I haven´t read a lot of other peoples blogs, so it may very well be that my blog will be a bit different (or not) – just like many other things about me 🙂 And that is my core. I was never in my life interested in doing/being like other people. I believe I was born that way and then also got that confirmed by observing my father. He didn´t tell me to be my own person, he lived it. And as a child I did what all children do, I observed and became. Sometimes it is a behaviour that is good for us that we imitate, other times it´s not. Kids don´t do what parents tell them to do, they do what parents do… This is part of our “programming”, and this is what I spend a l o t of time on in my client work.To identify and create awareness of someones programming, and then it is for the client to decide if they want to keep it or reprogram, as in learning something new. Awareness is key in life. And so my blog will be all about creating (more) awareness for who ever reads. To challenge beliefs and ideas, and also to make readers aware of me and my work. That what ever is going on in your life that you are not ok with, doesn´t have to continue or be like that. That change is possible, healing can be reached and that one way to get to that – is to do some work with me. And since I for several years now also work via Skype, I am available – literally for the whole world. I am super excited and curious about this next step in my Life and work, and above all; I am infinitely grateful!
So I´ve been processing for a while, the content of this post. How to word it.
I spend quite a lot of my time working with my clients on the subject of boundaries. How to set them, when to set them, why are they important, to name but a few questions that are related.
For me, boundaries are about many things.
For example integrity and respect. First of self and secondly to others. Usually. There are times when the order may be reversed, but not typically.
I will share an example from my own life, from the professional side of it, about boundaries, respect and integrity.
So this is some years back. I was approached to come and do some consultancy work at a very particular work place, where the staff in question are in the business of saving lives, and yet it was also a very political arena for them to be in.
The initial assignment was to come in and do crises-and trauma work, which also includes debriefing.
The staff had been experiencing multiple psychological traumas, for a long period of time, to a point where they were really struggling to continue to do their job, as well as functioning as a team.
Add to that, they had different superiors, from different organizations, so not all of the staff were supposed to participate in the work I came in to do with them. So there were groups within the group.
The majority were men, some ex military, and in all they were experienced to be in difficult situations.
There was also an M.D who belonged to the group that was not supposed to participate in my work and who told me that he didn´t believe in “my science”, referring to psychology.
The staff, were mentally and spiritually exhausted, in pain, and they had recently experienced what they would describe as one of the worst situations in their lives.
As we were working through what they had experienced, both in individual sessions with me but also in group sessions, it became very clear that they, on top of the hard work they were doing – and directly related to it – were carrying a lot of shame.
As I mentioned earlier, this work was done in a political arena/situation that was polarizing, dividing people, families workplaces, governments, the EU parliament and the world.
So when they came home, they were also subjected to serious criticism from people who were against what they were doing.
Needless to say, this hurt them deeply to the core, and so we did a lot of work on that as well.
Take a moment, and imagine that you go to work, where you then when you come home, are being shamed, yelled at, criticized, being the target of a lot of aggression and judgement. Every time you come home to your hood (not necessarily by your immediate family, but also that, at times). Every time.
Then… Imagine that when you meet someone who doesn´t know you, and you get the typical question; “So what do you do for a living”, and you, being full of shame and fear, deflect the question or flat out lie. Take a moment to feel that. What that does to you.
So I´m not gonna get into details about how the work we did together went, other than to say this;
Part of my strategy to help them work on the shame, was that I from the core of me, and with glazed eyes, expressed my admiration for the work that they did. That this is honorable, noble and sacred. That they are in the life saving line of work. I talked a lot about this. And we talked a lot about shame. Did a lot of work on that. These big, strong ex military men, doing shame work with this total stranger. A woman. Middle aged. Me. Now that takes courage. They were braving it. For real.
I told them that I with pride posted on relevant work platforms that I was doing this work with them. Except I didn´t point it out that clearly, due to privacy protection, just the consultancy to the organization in question. My phrasing in the post was very carefully phrased. All this, helped them work through and shift their perception of what they were doing, and I could see a professional pride growing within them, every time we met, because we talked about this every time we met.
Every time I told people about the work I was doing with this group, I always got the same reaction; ” Oh wow, that is so good of the owners. How well they take care of their staff. It must be so difficult, their job and what they get to see”.
Of course I told the staff about these reactions too. And again I saw the light go on in their eyes, the work pride rising.
Now. The boundary link that I mentioned in the beginning, that is all about respect and integrity.
The top head of the organization had seen that I had listed the consultancy on a digital platform. She then had one of her office people contact me, via sms, and asked me to remove that.
My reply was that there are a number of reasons as to why I have posted this, and I am happy to explain them all to your boss if she wants. But I am not having this conversation with you.
A few days passed and then I got the same request, from the same person, again via sms. My answer was the same.
A few more days passed.
Then I got a call from another person who also worked for the boss of the organization in question, but this woman was employed in another company. Same boss.
I gave the same answer, with one addition; There is one person who decides what I put in my resumé, and where I publish it, and that is me.
I don´t care w h o you are or what you have in this world.
I only care about h o w you are. Behaving.
Everybody gets my respect, as long as they deserve it. And my starting point is that everybody deserves it.
I expect the same, in fact it´s a deal breaker. You respect me or you don´t.
I respect myself and I have integrity.
The definition of integrity reads; ” the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles” and ” the state of being whole and undivided.”
Thus endeth the consultancy with this organization. I didn´t pull the plug, the owner did. From one day to the next. At the expense of the well being of the staff.
This, is spelled pride. You know, the unhealthy kind.
Here´s the rub:
I know who I am. I have morals and principles. Not a whole lot of principles, which makes them so much more important.
I do not care W H O you are to the world or what ever you H A V E in this world.
I O N L Y care about H O W you are.
You can not buy respect or integrity.
You wanna rock my boat? Bring it on. I am grounded. In me.
And I am open for consultancy assignments for people of substance and integrity.
Lotta CBT Lifecoach 