So what are you doing next?

When people come to see me, they usually have something “urgent” in some form, that they believe is their “problem”.

Cause that´s usually what my clients say in our first session, in one way or another.

I call this “what gets in the way of the real issue/s”.

So in order for growth and progress to be possible, we need to deal with the “what gets/got in the way” first and work through that – so it doesn´t keep coming back!

And our issues d o  come back…. And back… Until we deal with them once and for all – by working through them.

As the work process begins, I will hold the client accountable, to that initial desire for change, growth and development. In many various ways.

In fact, that starts even before they come to the first session.

I send out an email that I call; “How it works”.

The content in this email has also seen change, growth and development through the years, all as results of clients behaviors and choices.

I am a huge and very vocal fan of clarity. Being clear. Being specific. Saying what you mean AND meaning what you say. I live it. Rigorously.

So, resistance to change and growth has maaaaany masks and manifestations. It is part of my job to make my clients aware of them, as they show up. It´s a dirty job, but someone´s gotta do it! That someone….. is me.

In doing so, I have been called all sorts of things under the sun. Even more so during the years when I was working in rehabs.

The clients there were not only afraid of changes but also in withdrawal, to spice it up a little bit more. That´s ok. I can take that. It is part of the job description to be the receiver of such behaviors. Projections. It is then also part of my job to be psychoeducational with the client. To teach them about the connection between their thought/s that triggers their emotion/s that subsequently triggers a particular behavior. Name calling, walking out the room in the middle of a session, to name but a few examples. And of course these behaviors don´t happen just in rehab. They also happen in my private clinic.

In fact the last time, isn´t that long ago.

So to go from the theoretical to the empirical, through an actual recent client, I will tell you part of their story, to illustrate what I´m talking about;

I will, as it´s done in the English language use the pronouns “they/them”, to make them gender neutral.

So the “How it works” email that I mentioned before, is a deal breaker before we even start working together. All clients h a v e to reply to this email, saying that they agree with the content. Further down the line in our process I can then, if need be, refer to that email and that they in fact have agreed to what it says, to help them work against what ever mask their resistance (fear of change) takes.

The content is mostly practical stuff and logistics, and it´s also my terms regarding payment conditions and cancellation conditions. Explaining very clearly, part of it in bold, to make it even clearer.

And as I said before, this content has evolved based on the behaviors of past clients and also as per professional standards.

So this client in question, abided by these few conditions when it came to cancellation/rescheduling, and the first couple of sessions also when it came to payment.

They did however, call me very “strict”. Twice. For keeping the boundary and referring to the content in the email when it came to payments.

I´ll get to that…

Then came the first time when they didn´t abide by the payment conditions, and I pointed that out when they arrived.

Then came the second time when they didn´t abide by the payment conditions, and I pointed it out verbally once again.

The third, and final time this happened, I pointed this out in writing, the day before the session, as part of a reply to a message that the client had sent me, asking if they could come and see me that same day.

Now, I am available 6 days a week, except for that particular day, which is Mondays. So my reply started exactly with that, then I – once again – pointed out the payment condition to which the client had agreed, and then I still took some time to give some strategies for them to handle what was going on with them then and there.

 The client replied that they didn´t like how I worded my message about the payment conditions and went on to say; “Just let me know what you want me to do if I don´t remember to send you the money”. In fact, they asked me this twice, in our short messages going back and forth.

I explained that I was happy to discuss this in our next session, and I got the reply that they would rather not spend their time on this since an hour goes fast.

So when the time came for the session, I knew, from the demeanor of the client, that they were extra agitated due to the communication we had had via messages. The session started, they had a lot of other things to talk about with me. So in listening to all that came out, after about 20 minutes I then made the client aware of their behavior in what they were saying, and connected it to the behavior they had in the texting to me, both having to do with boundaries. I started to talk about the importance of us talking about what goes on between us, what the client feels about me and their reactions, but they didn´t let me finish. Instead, they got up, and said that they didn´t want to talk about this, that I was only interested in their money, and then walked out the door. In anger.

I haven´t heard from them since.

So. This part was the empirical, an example of “part of a day in a therapists world”.

Through my many years in my profession, I´ve had my share of clients cutting the work short. In various ways. When the masks of resistance take over. And behind those acting out masks are always one out of two emotions, or both; sadness and fear.

And I can only work with and help with that, when the client stays. In the room and also in and with the process. These types of changes are painful many times. Growing pains are real, even for adults…

 When you come to do work with me I will show you accountability, what it is, and how you live it, cause I will hold you accountable. And I am not doing this for my sake. I will show you, teach you, how to commit and how to be accountable to yourself!

Most people have never learned this.

(The client in the example, grew up in a family and in a culture that know little to nothing about boundaries. Other than the word. Not what it actually means to live it. And that was part of what I was teaching. And got interrupted.)

Two of my best tools to do this are boundaries and clarity. Neither of them are just words. I will show you how it works when words and actions are consistently aligned. That this is part of the foundation for trust. That no matter what past unstable experiences you have, you can trust me to hold the ground, to stand (or sit) firmly for and with you. No matter how many attempts you make to create chaos and instability that you throw at me, one way or another, as this is what you know. This is all you know. I will still be there. Holding the ground. Being consistent. Showing you, by living it, that when I say something, I mean it. When I say something, that is what will be. That you can trust me not to budge.

See, you don´t live your life in a vacuum. How you think, feel, behave, react towards your therapist, is a reflection of how you have lived your life. What you have learned. Your programming.

You will project a lot on me, as you do to other people as well.

And it is my job to mirror this to you, make you aware.

So when the fear and/or sadness hits, especially between sessions, most people are not even aware that it is fear/sadness they are feeling.  Anger is what most people have learned to feel and show instead. Many times towards the therapist. And again, that´s ok. That´s a good place to start.

So then I have a couple of questions;

Why are you fighting more, to keep your pain than you are fighting for a future without it…?

Why are you defending why you can´t, instead of fighting for what you c a n do next?

Your life is a reflection of y o u, you are the common denominator in all your relationships, with people, places and things.

So what´s going on inside you or around you – now or in the past, may not be your fault, but how you handle it now, how you live it and live with it now – is on you.

So what are you doing next?

We can not work with, change and develop what you are not aware of. It´s not enough that I, the therapist, am aware. It is my job to help you become aware. But I can´t make you.

You need to be ready and willing. You need to understand that you, the you that you were up until you started working with me, are your biggest enemy, your main stick in your wheel for growth. That change comes through action only. Different actions than before. Not more of the same old….

And I, am your biggest fan, your cheerleader (NOT with those hideous outfits they have in the US…!!!), your guide in the sense that I can show you where and how you´ve been, then I can show you who you are by leading you back to you.

During this process you have a lot of choices to make in what you want to keep from before, what you want to throw out because it just isn´t who you are, it doesn´t belong with you, and what you want to cultivate in you. In all this, I am right there, by your side. When I see you in sessions, and when you are practicing with the tools and the knowledge and awareness you´ve got from the sessions out there in your life. I am right there, by your side.

I don´t have the answers –  you do. It is my job to help you discover them. To help you make sense of your past and your present you, so you then get to create and choose your future. Your way forward. One day at a time. One step at a time.

It is for you, to trust the process.

So what are you doing next…?