Worthiness

So I´ve been processing for a while, the content of this post. How to word it.

I spend quite a lot of my time working with my clients on the subject of boundaries. How to set them, when to set them, why are they important, to name but a few questions that are related.

For me, boundaries are about many things.

For example integrity and respect. First of self and secondly to others. Usually. There are times when the order may be reversed, but not typically.

I will share an example from my own life, from the professional side of it, about boundaries, respect and integrity.

So this is some years back. I was approached to come and do some consultancy work at a very particular work place, where the staff in question are in the business of saving lives, and yet it was also a very political arena for them to be in.

The initial assignment was to come in and do crises-and trauma work, which also includes debriefing.

The staff had been experiencing multiple psychological traumas, for a long period of time, to a point where they were really struggling to continue to do their job, as well as functioning as a team.

Add to that, they had different superiors, from different organizations, so not all of the staff were supposed to participate in the work I came in to do with them. So there were groups within the group.

The majority were men, some ex military, and in all they were experienced to be in difficult situations.

There was also an M.D who belonged to the group that was not supposed to participate in my work and who told me that he didn´t believe in “my science”, referring to psychology.

The staff, were mentally and spiritually exhausted, in pain, and they had recently experienced what they would describe as one of the worst situations in their lives.

As we were working through what they had experienced, both in individual sessions with me but also in group sessions, it became very clear that they, on top of the hard work they were doing – and directly related to it – were carrying a lot of shame.

As I mentioned earlier, this work was done in a political arena/situation that was polarizing, dividing people, families workplaces, governments, the EU parliament and the world.

So when they came home, they were also subjected to serious criticism from people who were against what they were doing.

Needless to say, this hurt them deeply to the core, and so we did a lot of work on that as well.

Take a moment, and imagine that you go to work, where you then when you come home, are being shamed, yelled at, criticized, being the target of a lot of aggression and judgement. Every time you come home to your hood (not necessarily by your immediate family, but also that, at times). Every time.

Then… Imagine that when you meet someone who doesn´t know you, and you get the typical question; “So what do you do for a living”, and you, being full of shame and fear, deflect the question or flat out lie. Take a moment to feel that. What that does to you.

So I´m not gonna get into details about how the work we did together went, other than to say this;

Part of my strategy to help them work on the shame, was that I from the core of me, and with glazed eyes, expressed my admiration for the work that they did. That this is honorable, noble and sacred. That they are in the life saving line of work. I talked a lot about this. And we talked a lot about shame. Did a lot of work on that. These big, strong ex military men, doing shame work with this total stranger. A woman. Middle aged. Me. Now that takes courage. They were braving it. For real.

I told them that I with pride posted on relevant work platforms that I was doing this work with them. Except I didn´t point it out that clearly, due to privacy protection, just the consultancy to the organization in question. My phrasing in the post was very carefully phrased. All this, helped them work through and shift their perception of what they were doing, and I could see a professional pride growing within them, every time we met, because we talked about this every time we met.

Every time I told people about the work I was doing with this group, I always got the same reaction; ” Oh wow, that is so good of the owners. How well they take care of their staff. It must be so difficult, their job and what they get to see”.

Of course I told the staff about these reactions too. And again I saw the light go on in their eyes, the work pride rising.

Now. The boundary link that I mentioned in the beginning, that is all about respect and integrity.

The top head of the organization had seen that I had listed the consultancy on a digital platform. She then had one of her office people contact me, via sms, and asked me to remove that.

My reply was that there are a number of reasons as to why I have posted this, and I am happy to explain them all to your boss if she wants. But I am not having this conversation with you.

A few days passed and then I got the same request, from the same person, again via sms. My answer was the same.

A few more days passed.

Then I got a call from another person who also worked for the boss of the organization in question, but this woman was employed in another company. Same boss.

I gave the same answer, with one addition; There is one person who decides what I put in my resumé, and where I publish it, and that is me.

I don´t care w h o you are or what you have in this world.

I only care about h o w you are. Behaving.

Everybody gets my respect, as long as they deserve it. And my starting point is that everybody deserves it.

I expect the same, in fact it´s a deal breaker. You respect me or you don´t.

I respect myself and I have integrity.

The definition of integrity reads; ” the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles” and ” the state of being whole and undivided.”

Thus endeth the consultancy with this organization. I didn´t pull the plug, the owner did. From one day to the next. At the expense of the well being of the staff.

This, is spelled pride. You know, the unhealthy kind.

Here´s the rub:

I know who I am. I have morals and principles. Not a whole lot of principles, which makes them so much more important.

I do not care W H O you are to the world or what ever you H A V E in this world.

I O N L Y care about H O W you are.

You can not buy respect or integrity.

You wanna rock my boat? Bring it on. I am grounded. In me.

And I am open for consultancy assignments for people of substance and integrity.